Quarantine has been GOOD for me...it just hasn't given me time to spend with my children, chances to learn new things (Google has become my NEW best friend) and opportunities to clean out closets and drawers, but it has afforded me the chance to examine, and I mean REALLY examine, my life- my heart, my beliefs, my values and my decisions- ALL the things that have gotten me to this point thus far. I resolved to myself not to emerge from quarantine the same way that I came in, and I knew that I had to be intentional about that promise to myself. I understood that I needed to get comfortable with being uncomfortable because what I saw could potentially hurt me. How? Because at times we will HURT to HEAL. We will be hurt by the things that are revealed TO us ABOUT us. There have been times in my life when I thought that I was further along in my healing process or in my pursuit of becoming a "better me" but had realized in points on my journey that I was not as patient or as compassionate as I thought I was. Reality checks can leave marks, but we can choose rather or not they become beauty marks or permanent scars.
So the idea of taking a grief recovery class seemed to be a little beyond me. I mean it had been four years since my mom passed, and from what I heard, occasional tears and fits of anger were, by all means, normal. I felt pretty ok with not always being "ok". That was my mindset until I discovered that grief was about more than death. Grief can be experienced when there is any loss. The loss can be divorce, a strained relationship, a loss of finances or health related. When I looked at it from THAT standpoint, I realized that not only had I experienced a tremendous amount of loss, but there were things I needed to grieve that were possibly affecting me NOW. I had just comes to grips with my tendency to bury my feelings in busyness and always being on the go and now THIS? A part of me wanted to overlook the need to grieve because I did not want to bring up "old stuff" that I had supposedly "gotten over" and "moved on" from. Things that I no longer gave head or heart space didn't really need to be dealt with, did they? I didn't really need to pay attention to things and people from my past that I had not thought about, did I? If I forgave them, I didn't still need to grieve them, right? Forgiveness was enough, correct? Wrong, Wrong and WRONG!! As an empowerment coach, I always tell my clients that we will never conquer what we refuse to confront. Somehow I had buried that truth under the pile of accomplishments, To Do Lists and speaking engagements. A full schedule with lots of roles to play became the anesthesia that I needed to cope with the unchallenged pain of my past.
EXHALE.....
So what brings me to this blog TODAY? What brings my fingers to this keyboard in the bright, sunny evening on a 60 degree day in quarantine? An invitation. I wanted to make sure that you (yes, YOU) had an invitation to the party. NOT the pity party. NOT the party where you pour yourself a glass of wine and tear your self-esteem down about all the things that were done to you and all the things that you did to yourself. THIS is a party of LIBERATION. YOU get to be the star of the party. YOU are the host, and YOU are the guest. THIS is a celebration because THIS party marks the beginning of the life that you have imagined for so long but was always fleeting. Happiness always seemed possible, but it was snatched away by the next dumb decision that another person made that impacted you forever. Happiness always seemed possible until the unforeseen and the unfortunate happened and shook your confidence and faith in your ability to love life again. THIS is the party where you get to look disappointment, doubt and discouragement in the face, acknowledge the power that they HAD (check out the past tense) over you then dismember their chokehold on your destiny. YOU get to face them then put them in their rightful place- behind you....
I have one more class of grief recovery, and I am not looking forward to it, but my BETTER self is. I know that I must finish the course in order to start a new life with her, and THAT alone makes the uncomfortable tolerable and bearable. Layer by layer I will let her out. After all, she deserves FREEDOM and SO. DO. YOU.
I hope to see you at the party,
Your SisterGirlfriendCousin Clo
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